Jeffrey Meshel was married for 12 years — but he wasn’t exactly living in marital bliss. He was very unhappy for the last several years of his marriage — he describes it as “more of a cohabitation” than a relationship — but the Midtown East resident, 57, didn’t want to get divorced because he didn’t want to hurt his children.
In 2004, Meshel, the president of a real estate investment firm and founder of the Manhattan-based support community divorceforce.org, couldn’t take it anymore. He concluded that even though he wanted to protect his son and daughter who were 7 and 3, respectively, at the time, he needed to cut ties. Still scared to make the leap, he looked to his inner circle of friends, six of whom were divorced.
“I saw that they were so happy in their new, post-split lives, and I think that on a subconscious level, their newfound happiness had a degree of influence on me. I saw that they were so much better off, and their successful end result acted as my enabler to go through with it, too,” he explains.
Meshel isn’t the only one who’s been influenced by his close friends’ splits — so-called “copycat divorces” are actually quite common. An April 2014 joint study from Brown University, Yale University and the University of California, San Diego, found that people are 75 percent more likely to be divorced if one of their friends is divorced.
And Meshel’s logic is actually one of the most common reasons why copycat divorces occur. Many copycatters want to get divorced but don’t have the guts to go through with the humongous, life-changing, emotional roller coaster of an event — made even more complicated if kids are involved. But seeing their friends do it first gives people the strength to follow suit — and the reassurance that it’s possible for everything to work out OK.
“People often stay in unfulfilling marriages because they don’t want to be blamed for ruining the dynamics of the friend group, or the family,” explains Christie Hartman, a Denver-based dating and relationship expert. “But if one of their friends blazes the trail first, and they see that their friends survived the trauma, it’s easier.”
Another reason for copycat divorces is that having divorced pals provides a built-in support group.
Nicole Feuer, 45, can validate that logic. The Westport, Conn., divorce advisor and founder of the divorce community sosdivorceadvisors.com, told one of her best friends, Sarah, that she was filing for divorce. And Sarah, whose name has been changed for privacy reasons, filed for her own divorce three months later.
“Sarah told me that she felt relieved just knowing she would have someone to support her and who would understand what she was going through — and I felt the same way,” says Feuer. “She told me that she may not have gone through with her divorce had I not just done it.” Point is, Feuer and Sarah were there for each other in ways they felt that their other married friends were not. “It helps to know that someone relates to your situation,” she says.
So are copycat divorces a good idea? In certain scenarios, like Meshel and Sarah’s, they can be. The desire was there for both of them, and they just needed courage and reassurance. The problem occurs if you do it out of peer pressure. “Check in with yourself, and make sure you’re doing it for you, not for your friends,” cautions Hartman. “Otherwise it will end in disaster.”
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