In my last two columns, I addressed the grief and loss process experienced by couples during separation and divorce. But what do the children experience? At a time when so many marriages fail, it is important to understand how youngsters are affected by the loss.
Children of divorcing parents go through the same four stages of the loss process that their mothers and fathers do. Youngsters initially feel shock and denial as their parents do. Then they experience the anger-sadness-depression stage. This is usually followed by acceptance and understanding and lastly, children move into the phase of growth and emotional healing.
Since they do not have the advantages of maturity, however, children respond in a much more unconscious and fearful way. Because they are so dependent on the family unit, young people do not really believe they could lose their parents. Feeling that they can always count on the love and continued presence of Mum and Dad is important to their sense of security. On an emotional level, the “loss” of one parent opens up the possibility of losing both. This can be a terrifying prospect for kids. They need as much emotional support as their parents do to move through their grief and fear. Sometimes children who have particular difficulty with this may need professional help.
When one parent leaves the household, children may react with added hostility toward the remaining parent. There are several reasons. In the mind of a child, it is safer to express anger at the remaining parent because he or she has not left them. So, conversely, children will often be on their best behavior with the “lost” parent — the one who left the household. Feeling deeply rejected initially by that parent’s leaving, the young ones do not want to risk any further rejection. This can also be behavior that is an attempt to win the parent back.
A child’s anger may also be expressed at either or both parents simultaneously. It may also manifest more indirectly: a child may run away or misbehave at school. He or she might fight with friends. Depression may affect a child’s interest in school work and outside activities. Regression is probably the most easily recognizable symptom. A 7-year-old, for example, may start sucking his thumb again or want to share a bed with the remaining parent. This is often particularly the case at the beginning stages of the separation process.
It is crucial to children’s well being that they be treated in a loving, gentle, and honest way. When the time comes to tell the children about the divorce, it is extremely important that they understand that the breakup is not their fault, and has absolutely nothing to do with them or anything they did or did not do — “If only I had gotten better grades, or played better baseball, etc.” They need to be told that the divorce is strictly between Mum and Dad. Children need reassurance that both parents still love them, and will still be involved in their lives. Parents should answer questions and give explanations as honestly as possible without getting into unnecessary details. Give an honest answer if asked “Will you get back together?” If the true answer is a firm “No” then reinforce the idea that, no matter what happens, both parents love the child and will be in their lives. If one parent wants to remove him or herself entirely from the family, then that issue has to be dealt with great care.
Youngsters need to know about practical issues: what school they will be attending, where they will be living, when they will visit or live with the absent parent. If possible, it is best for changes in these circumstances to be made slowly avoiding drastic changes.
If you are in the throws of this life altering situation you may want to do some reading and talking with other parents who may be coping with similar circumstances.
Children’s experience is greatly impacted by how both parents behave in their own lives and how they are treated by them. This enormous life upheaval can stir up old emotional issues, and all family members will be stricken with grief. If you find that you or anyone else in this situation is struggling, and not moving through the stages of grief, then I would suggest that you seriously consider seeking professional support.
Source; http://www.gloucestertimes.com/lifestyle/x2117335788/Children-of-divorce-grieving-their-losses?zc_p=2
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